Quite a few things happened this week. Sorta make me happy, unhappy, joyous, moody. Most important, again making me do not know what do I want. To some other people, issue is not an issue. Things are not that complicated. Just what do I want. Again, I am living a world thinking of how people think of me, what I do and how I do certain things. Just what state of mentality I am always in. I really do not know. Double life? Not so bad. Hard to understand? Maybe.
Met someone that I can talk to really well few days ago. Once I can talk nicely or rather gentlemanly to someone, it shows she is of certain stature. People who knows me knows how bad I am in not 'giving face' to people I totally do not feel like talking to. Is this illusion? Maybe not. Cos I am super selective to persons that I feel comfortable talking to..
Just suddenly feel hard to live a life as a human sometimes..
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
dejavu..
Making me feel scared with the feeling ..stronger recently..things that is happening felt like happened before. I do not know if it is de javu..or I am being imaginative. I have beeen having this once in a while for years. Sometimes just did not take note of it. Sometimes thought that it is part of a dream I had. Just what is it. I am lost..
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Win Lose..
Was so frustrated today..lost all the tennis games. Was totally frustrated.. Partly because of the lost games..but bigger part because of the current pace of life. Sometimes I feel it is fine, but sometimes I get frusfrated of myself. Just what do I want n what I am looking for? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want something more exciting..but I know I won't like it for long..
Good or bad..win or lose...what are we looking for in life..what is the best life..I am still searching for it. Sometimes I tot I have a good grasp of it..but sometimes, actually I am totally lost..
Friday, October 1, 2010
Again.. making me think back and realize.. I love being a MALAYSIAN
Was watching Born Rich on Astro. Doing something I like-watching drama, and invoking the mind.
First, happy to be back in Kota Kinabalu, my home. Second, watching a drama that is filmed in Kota Kinabalu, has the satisfied feeling, maybe from the very foolish feeling of being closer to the stars. The drama with 2 of the actor and actress that I really liked, Gallen Lo and Kenix Kwok. The feeling of homecoming was especially strong when I remembered that this drama was shown when I was in Singapore last year around this same time, but just a year ago. A lot of things happened between last year and now...happy, unhappy, good, bad..Since many many years ago, I have unknowingly learnt not to dwell too much on unhappy things. Even to have the ability to let things go very very effortlessly...I don't know... either I covered it up well to the extent of even fooling myself..Up to this day, I do not even know the answer myself...Actually there are a lot of things about myself that I could not categorize, even wondering is it the same case with every other person. Again, maybe that's just the selfishness in each and everyone of us.. 'my problem is always bigger than his problem'..
What do I want to say actually. Maybe just to say I really love where I come from, Kota Kinabalu. I do not know why. Even after almost 10 years of being abroad, studying in Germany, working in Singapore, back to working for half a year in Germany and another 2 years in Singapore, I still find that this is the only place that I will ever call home. For alot of people who knows me, I am 100% the type who they feel will be very at ease in a foreign country, loving to leave my hometown and get to a more well advance country. I am well known to be very adaptable..to the German culture, even the Germans do admire..
But actually I am totally the opposite. Most people start to wonder, some even shocked, when they know I am so. Some were totally surprised.. to know that I actually love Kota Kinabalu and Sabah so much..I always tell people, there is nothing that I find good about Singapore, be it the people, the country, the everything. Everything is really bull shit..I just want to get this officially in words once in my life...I really feel most Singaporeans are craps... Strayed a bit too far from my initial feeling of starting to write this post..
But let me just summarize this : I really love and feel honored to be a Malaysian
First, happy to be back in Kota Kinabalu, my home. Second, watching a drama that is filmed in Kota Kinabalu, has the satisfied feeling, maybe from the very foolish feeling of being closer to the stars. The drama with 2 of the actor and actress that I really liked, Gallen Lo and Kenix Kwok. The feeling of homecoming was especially strong when I remembered that this drama was shown when I was in Singapore last year around this same time, but just a year ago. A lot of things happened between last year and now...happy, unhappy, good, bad..Since many many years ago, I have unknowingly learnt not to dwell too much on unhappy things. Even to have the ability to let things go very very effortlessly...I don't know... either I covered it up well to the extent of even fooling myself..Up to this day, I do not even know the answer myself...Actually there are a lot of things about myself that I could not categorize, even wondering is it the same case with every other person. Again, maybe that's just the selfishness in each and everyone of us.. 'my problem is always bigger than his problem'..
What do I want to say actually. Maybe just to say I really love where I come from, Kota Kinabalu. I do not know why. Even after almost 10 years of being abroad, studying in Germany, working in Singapore, back to working for half a year in Germany and another 2 years in Singapore, I still find that this is the only place that I will ever call home. For alot of people who knows me, I am 100% the type who they feel will be very at ease in a foreign country, loving to leave my hometown and get to a more well advance country. I am well known to be very adaptable..to the German culture, even the Germans do admire..
But actually I am totally the opposite. Most people start to wonder, some even shocked, when they know I am so. Some were totally surprised.. to know that I actually love Kota Kinabalu and Sabah so much..I always tell people, there is nothing that I find good about Singapore, be it the people, the country, the everything. Everything is really bull shit..I just want to get this officially in words once in my life...I really feel most Singaporeans are craps... Strayed a bit too far from my initial feeling of starting to write this post..
But let me just summarize this : I really love and feel honored to be a Malaysian
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