Missing u more..

So many thing that will make me miss u more mao mao..I really don't know if I should let you know..like watching 'Gou Sam Gai' now.. Just makes me miss u a lot a lot more.. How we were watching it together.. I keep remembering how moses is so sweet to charmaine.. And I will keep saying that .. He won't be sweet to her if wasn't as pretty as she is or if she is a fatty.. And u will laugh..
I saw a picture of u.. U got skinnier..I feel so sad thinking If u are sad.. Or maybe not..
Tears are dripping.. Have been so everytime I am thinking of us..and ah mei is just next to me.. Will u feel sam tung.. Will I ever know the answer again..I do not dare to think further..

What Christmas is lying ahead??

Us

Miss so many things of us. What will she be thingking now. It's ironic. Will Vivian be thinking of the same thing now. What is Vivian doing?

I really don't know how shall I put things down..
So lost..can only live life and just live ..n live..what else can I do..

Starting point

Kundasang - actually a lot of things started here. Most important is the beginning of us. Why it is now so? Really I do not know how to explain. I don't even know how it ended so. My fault? I think so. But I really do not know how to mend our relationship. Is it to be mended. So many many times when I need to make decisions, one moment of thing that will flicker in my mind is that is this the most correct decision..what time be the subsequent outcome if I would be able to see like 20 years from now.. Just too many things..but sometimes..its irregardless as they would not have mattered in the first place.. Is this always so in relationships? Or more so one that would be ended..is it always thing do not matter anymore..

Reminiscing

At kinabalu pine resort. Was at Kundasang with vivian in May last year..too many things happened in this past one year. And many things have changed too. What else will change in 2011. I will remember to keep track. Tired.

Lost world , new world

Quite a few things happened this week. Sorta make me happy, unhappy, joyous, moody. Most important, again making me do not know what do I want. To some other people, issue is not an issue. Things are not that complicated. Just what do I want. Again, I am living a world thinking of how people think of me, what I do and how I do certain things. Just what state of mentality I am always in. I really do not know. Double life? Not so bad. Hard to understand? Maybe.
Met someone that I can talk to really well few days ago. Once I can talk nicely or rather gentlemanly to someone, it shows she is of certain stature. People who knows me knows how bad I am in not 'giving face' to people I totally do not feel like talking to. Is this illusion? Maybe not. Cos I am super selective to persons that I feel comfortable talking to..
Just suddenly feel hard to live a life as a human sometimes..

dejavu..

Making me feel scared with the feeling ..stronger recently..things that is happening felt like happened before. I do not know if it is de javu..or I am being imaginative. I have beeen having this once in a while for years. Sometimes just did not take note of it. Sometimes thought that it is part of a dream I had. Just what is it. I am lost..

Win Lose..

Was so frustrated today..lost all the tennis games. Was totally frustrated.. Partly because of the lost games..but bigger part because of the current pace of life. Sometimes I feel it is fine, but sometimes I get frusfrated of myself. Just what do I want n what I am looking for? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want something more exciting..but I know I won't like it for long..

Good or bad..win or lose...what are we looking for in life..what is the best life..I am still searching for it. Sometimes I tot I have a good grasp of it..but sometimes, actually I am totally lost..

Again.. making me think back and realize.. I love being a MALAYSIAN

Was watching Born Rich on Astro. Doing something I like-watching drama, and invoking the mind. 
First, happy to be back in Kota Kinabalu, my home. Second, watching a drama that is filmed in Kota Kinabalu, has the satisfied feeling, maybe from the very foolish feeling of being closer to the stars. The drama with 2 of the actor and actress that I really liked, Gallen Lo and Kenix Kwok. The feeling of homecoming was especially strong when I remembered that this drama was shown when I was in Singapore last year around this same time, but just a year ago. A lot of things happened between last year and now...happy, unhappy, good, bad..Since many many years ago, I have unknowingly learnt not to dwell too much on unhappy things. Even to have the ability to let things go very very effortlessly...I don't know... either I covered it up well to the extent of even fooling myself..Up to this day, I do not even know the answer myself...Actually there are a lot of things about myself that I could not categorize, even wondering is it the same case with every other person. Again, maybe that's just the selfishness in each and everyone of us.. 'my problem is always bigger than his problem'..

What do I want to say actually. Maybe just to say I really love where I come from, Kota Kinabalu. I do not know why. Even after almost 10 years of being abroad, studying in Germany, working in Singapore, back to working for half a year in Germany and another 2 years in Singapore, I still find that this is the only place that I will ever call home. For alot of people who knows me, I am 100% the type who they feel will be very at ease in a foreign country, loving to leave my hometown and get to a more well advance country. I am well known to be very adaptable..to the German culture, even the Germans do admire..
But actually I am totally the opposite. Most people start to wonder, some even shocked, when they know I am so. Some were totally surprised.. to know that I actually love Kota Kinabalu and Sabah so much..I always tell people, there is nothing that I find good about Singapore, be it the people, the country, the everything. Everything is really bull shit..I just want to get this officially in words once in my life...I really feel most Singaporeans are craps... Strayed a bit too far from my initial feeling of starting to write this post..

But let me just summarize this : I really love and feel honored to be a Malaysian

Knowing and Realizing

Is there a difference? Knowing something and realizing the effect..Knowing the consequences and suffering the consequences. There goes the saying, "man knows no pain unless pierced by the needle himself"..so many ways of illustrating..At this moment, I realized there is a difeerence..so there must be..a difference..

Understanding myself

When I am angry or faced with sudden problem, I do not scold it out, but rather just kept very quiet and sometimes grumbling of dissatisfaction deep inside the heart. Most of the time, I am just lost for words, but when it is so, the other party would have thought that I am damn damn angry, to the stage that I do not even want to talk. But the truth is I am just totally lost for words, mind blank, and just need to back off. Just realized at this very moment, that I am so since I was young. And at this very second my moment of backing off is bringing the car for a wash and typing this...on a sunny Sunday morning..

Wait

One of the thing I hated most is to wait. Really. No matter for whom or for what. Somehow throughout the years I have learnt to learn to wait. Maybe the inability to wait is due to my selfishness, leading to impatience..who in the world is born to be a better "waiter" - you would have always thought when you are needed to wait. "He wait is ok one..but I am in a rush".."He is used to waiting".. My impatience to wait - hate of being awkwardly alone while waiting - has caused me to become a person who is not punctual through the years..

What A World

If you are a pretty gal in a saloon, bossing around the stylist is an acceptable seen. But aunty in 60s doing that, what a pollution. Pity the hairstylist professionally entertaining the aunty client. Professionalism or hypocrite or no choice? Up to who you are asking. Only one thing for sure, that's the world all of us are seeing. You yourself to define.

To change or not to change?

It's tiresome living everyday up to people's expectation. Realized this long ago,but don't think I will be able to change myself. That's life.

Live a life of our own

Life is hard, we are left on our own to psyche up our own life..making it at least meaningful to live..at least to our own standard..

To or not to

Somehow I have taken years to decide whether to blog or not, just to remember things that I might not remember in years to come..

Bad day ... week actuallz

Still working, am really sick since last friday. Sore throat, throat infection, hope october will bring some better days.

First post

First post on blogger. Was watching A Step Into The Past on Astro,this is the first drama that I have watched years ago in Germany, in 2001, my first year in uni.